The Boy Who Cried Wolf

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

He lies.
He is made of lies.
He is made of lies and nothing more.
Lies that, through their filthy existence,
Becomes a subtle melody chiming sweetly from ear to ear
As they are being shamelessly told

I listen.
I always listen.
I live to hear him speak.
Speeches that, though dripping with dulcet richness,
Reek of filth, unfaithfulness and doubt
As his piercing words are carelessly chosen

He smiles.
He smiles, proud and true.
He knows I am aware
Of a betrayal which carves into the crevices of my shallow being;
All naïveté lost in playful games of swindling ardor.

The cards have been dealt.

I shatter, bit by bit.
His words sink heavily, one by one, into my hollow chest.
Only the sweetness of his deceit remains,
Gentle lullabies that I longed to hear once more
However unjust or listless they may have been.

...Words.
I ache for his words.
I can no longer speak, nor think, nor feel.
I wish to be cherished by him yet again.
The filth of his untruthfulness had been washed away
With tears that have flown from his sullen heart to my own.

Lies...
His lies...
Or had he spoken of the truth? I wonder;
I strain to hear him speak,
But I can no longer hear his voice.
His time slips away from his hands –
He is consumed by his own phantasms.

He dies.
He dies, though not for me.
He dies because of me, and nothing more.
His likeness fades from recollection.
Uncertainty besieges me.
The tepid warmth of his words lingers still.

“Come rest your head on my lap, dearly beloved...”
...there is another who sits on your knees.

“Let me lull you to sleep...”
...there is another who sleeps on your bed.

A liar will not be believed even when he speaks the truth.

I let him be devoured...

...The boy who cried "wolf".

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Points: 1384
Reviews: 13

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Sat Aug 01, 2009 10:03 am

Black Rabbit says...

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Sun Jul 26, 2009 3:02 am

Alec Laine says...

absolutely brilliant, this is the first comment I give to a writer here on YWS.
the way you've composed it is absolutely awe-inspiring.
I was deeply touched, and strongly suggest you write more!
Truly amazing work.

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Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:45 am

Demeter wrote a review...

Hi, KL! Here I am

He lies.

He is made of lies.

He is made of lies, and nothing more.

He lives to tell me lies.

Lies that, through their filthy existence,

Becomes a subtle melody chiming sweetly from ear to ear

As they are being shamelessly told

The repetition is all fine until the fourth line. It's sort of like you go as far as you possibly can with a certain subject, and then when it starts to seem like you've reached the end, you go even further. This is a good policy for the life itself, but not so much for this poem.

What I mean is that the repetition in the first three lines makes the beginning strong and not like it's too much, but in the fourth line it starts to get boring and the reader's mind is craving for something else already. I think you should expand the new aspect that "living to tell lies" brings to the stanza, but make it sound more... vulnerable? And you don't necessarily need to use the word "lies" at all. I would actually be pleasantly surprised if you found another way of saying it.

For the rest of the stanza, you need to check the grammar. Right now you have "Lies that -- becomes" and we both know it isn't right.

Also, with the whole "subtle melody" thing, the reader is glad to see the poem going forward – until you pull us back preventing us from seeing the improvement, when we have to return to the lying in the last line.

I listen.

I always listen.

I always listen, and so he goes on with his show.

I live to hear him speak.

Speeches that, though dripping with dulcet richness,

Reek of filth, unfaithfulness and sheer doubt

As his piercing words are carelessly chosen

In this stanza you did a better job in my opinion. It's not as choppy as the previous one, and it progresses more easily. I also like how you turned around the stereotypical idea of choosing words carefully. I had an idea that maybe you could somehow introduce us to the narrator's attitude toward the fact that they listen to the other person even though they lie. You kind of do this on the last three lines, but I think it would be interesting to see little hints of it in the beginning, too.

Also, I think you should have a period in the end of the stanza. I don't think it suits this poem to leave the ending hanging in the air like you have done with these first two stanzas.

He smiles.

He smiles, proud and true. [I added the comma there, because then you don't have to turn the adjectives into adverbs.]

He smiles, and he turns away.

He knows I am aware.

Aware –

Of a betrayal which carves into the crevices of my shallow being;

All naïveté lost in playful games of swindling ardour.

I like the contradiction of the liar smiling "true", in fact I think you could expand it to give it more credit.

The contrast between the uber short fifth line and the uber long sixth line throws me away a little. I think the inequality here is too much, and it makes it hard for me to focus on the rest of the stanza. You should maybe consider changing the line breaks a little.

The "swindling ardour" is really beautiful, I love how that sounds. However, the naïveté is a bit too exotic here – I believe it should be spelled "naivety". The French spelling doesn't quite grasp the mood you're creating here (although I know it can be spelled that way too), and it remains lulling alone in the middle of the line, whereas it should be equally along with the rest.

The cards have been dealt.

This is a good spot for a line like this, and I like the fact that it's italicized – it leaves room for (my favourite word couplet coming right up) different interpretations.

Only the sweetness of his lies remain

Lies again. I think I just might let you get away with that this time, but pay attention to the fact that when you repeat something a lot and move to something different, the reader doesn't really expect a return to the starting line. Well, okay, at least I don't.

...Words.

I ache for his words.

I can no longer speak, nor think, nor feel.

What I'm imagining is that the narrator wants his words in order to "learn" to speak again. It's hard for me to explain, but I hope you understand what I'm aiming for – and if it's indeed like you had planned it to be, the idea is great and I'd like to see more of it, what brings me back to another favourite word of mine: expand.

I wish to be cherished by him yet again.

The filth of his lies has long been washed away,

With tears that have flown from his sullen heart to my own.

This part makes it seem like the narrator has already forgiven him, which in my opinion comes a bit behind the tree. Before this stanza I hadn't caught a hint that the narrator would be changing minds... and now that it comes like this, it's a little sudden. Pretty imagery, though!

You reap what you sow.

I actually really liked this line. There are many variations of this saying, but this is the first time I've come across with this one, which made me like it a lot.

*

For some reason, I always have so much to say about the first stanzas and then towards the end my comments get shorter and shorter until there's nothing. I believe it's partly because of the poem is of course written by one author whose style remains the same throughout the work, and therefore many things that could be pointed out about the last stanzas have already been mentioned in a way or another earlier in the review.

I think the formatting of the poem worked well. You had longer stanzas and then shorter sections in between, which brought some variety to the poem and kept the interest for the whole time.

The ending of the poem was quite effective in my opinion – although I do feel there could've been a clearer connection with the last line and the poem itself. What I suggest for your future works is that you think about the basic message you want to deliver with your poem, the soul of the work, and stick to it properly. There were times where I felt like you were heading off-track just a little, not too much though, but still. Pay attention to that when you write.

All in all, I think you show great potential to the world of poetry, and I hope you keep on doing this. Thanks for the read!

Demeter
xxx

Points: 19189
Reviews: 110

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Tue Jul 21, 2009 9:19 am

Lilicia wrote a review...

Hello there!
Let me start off by saying that this is a truly amazing piece - it's so beautifully written, and it's very intriguing. I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, but I'll give it a go...

He lies.
He is made of lies.
He is made of lies, and nothing more.
He lives to tell me lies.
Lies that, through their filthy existence,
Becomes a subtle melody chiming sweetly from ear to ear
As they are being shamelessly told

I know other people have pointed this out, but let me tell you why this bothers me. We know, by the fourth line, that he lies. By the time I read this, the excitement that I got from reading the first few lines began to fade. To me, this repetition threw me out of the flow of the poem. I suggest you get rid of that fourth line, and BAM, you've got an amazingly wonderful starting paragraph.

I listen.
I always listen.
I always listen, and so he goes on with his show.

I really loved this, but personally, 'and so he goes on with his show', sounds slightly cliched. I know you're capable of choosing more beautiful words than that. But, then again, this might have a deeper meaning - and if so, maybe you could explain it a bit more?

...Words.
I ache for his words.
I can no longer speak, nor think, nor feel.
I wish to be cherished by him yet again.
The filth of his lies has long been washed away,
With tears that have flown from his sullen heart to my own.

Even though this is beautifully written, I have to admit that I was confused here. You say that the 'filth of his lies has long been washed away' - but before, you talk about how his lies are a positive thing to you. How you live to hear him speak, how you always listen despite those lies... This line contradicts everything you've written in the first few paragraphs. Maybe you could write 'the sweetness' of his lies instead of filth, or something like that.

He dies.
He dies, though not for me.
He dies because of me, and nothing more.
His likeness fades from recollection.
Uncertainty besieges me.
He leaves me behind.
The tepid warmth of his words lingers still.

You've said that you've died already - so why is he leaving you behind when he dies? I don't understand this.

That's all I can find! As I said before, I'm not great with poems, so sorry if I questioned something that is obvious. This is a wonderful poem, and I couldn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes.

I turned a deaf ear.
I had let him go.
I had let him be.

I love this bit! It's so well written and gives the story full effect.

Keep it up!
Hope I helped!

Points: 1384
Reviews: 13

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Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:49 am

Black Rabbit says...

Points: 790
Reviews: 2

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Sun Jul 12, 2009 10:18 pm

Buggy says...

This was a very interesting poem. Your use of repetition was most effective, and I really liked the, how do I put this, emotional movement through the piece.

Keep up the good work.

Points: 890
Reviews: 5

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Sun Jul 12, 2009 4:00 pm

KayCWriter wrote a review...

Wow, I really liked this poem! It was quite refreshing to see the original kind of structure that you used in this piece. I loved the way that it flowed from one stanza into the next, and then you threw in the individual lines that stood out from the rest of it enough to make a strong point. I don't know if others will agree with me, but personally, I liked it... while I was reading, I found myself thinking when I came across the variations that you used, "Wow, did she just do that? I wouldn't have thought to do that, but it really kind of works." I realize that by now, all the nit-picks that are worthy of mention have already been nit-picked, so I'm just going to leave it with a simple, "Well done!" Bonus Points for Black Rabbit... :wink: I can't wait to see more of what you have to post!

~ Kayleigh :lol:

Points: 1384
Reviews: 13

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Sun Jul 12, 2009 10:10 am

Black Rabbit says...

Points: 4518
Reviews: 115

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Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:06 pm

Young gun wrote a review...

Your poem had amazing construction of words and the characters were intricately described.

Great detail has been given to the character of the liar and how his bad habit devours him later on.

These are the only lines that i could not understand much

Come rest your head on my lap, dearly beloved...”

...there is another who sits on your knees.

“Let me lull you to sleep...”

...there is another who sleeps on your bed.

Overall........this is a great piece.

Points: 4518
Reviews: 115

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Sat Jul 11, 2009 12:58 pm

Young gun says...

Amazing construction of sentences.I loved the way the poem unfolds.

Great portrayal of the liar's ability and how his habit devoured him.

A little long,but overall.....excellent work!

Points: 890
Reviews: 23

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Thu Jul 02, 2009 9:46 pm

Babanuuk wrote a review...

Hello Rabbit.

This looks like it merits a good, strong review.

Black Rabbit wrote:He lies.
He is made of lies.
He is made of lies, and nothing more.
He lives to tell me lies.
Lies that, through their filthy existence,
Becomes a subtle melody chiming sweetly from ear to ear
As they are being shamelessly told

This is an intriguing beginning, intense and dark.
There are a few careless errors...
You don't need a comma after "lies" in the third line and it should be "become" rather than "becomes" (the subject is "lies", not "existence").

Black Rabbit wrote:I listen.
I always listen.
I always listen, and so he goes on with his show.
I live to hear him speak.
Speeches that, though dripping with dulcet richness,
Reek of filth, unfaithfulness and sheer doubt
As his piercing words are carelessly chosen

Another strong stanza with a few careless errors.

The period at the end of line four is unnecessary.
The word sheer is kind of odd to describe doubt, and do you really mean carelessly? If so that's fine, it just seems he should be skillful at creating these lies, not clumsy.
Also, you need a period at the end of the last line.

Black Rabbit wrote:He smiles.
He smiles proud and true.
He smiles, and he turns away.
He knows I am aware.
Aware –
Of a betrayal which carves into the crevices of my shallow being;
All naïveté lost in playful games of swindling ardour.

Ardor is misspelled.
True is another odd word to describe a liar, though I can understand why you chose it.
It is also kind of strange how you separated the second "aware" from the next line with a a hyphen. It's just not necessary, but it's up to you.

Black Rabbit wrote:The cards have been dealt.

This is a neat pause in the poem,
but the imagery is very different from the rest.

Black Rabbit wrote:I die.
I die slowly.
His words sink heavily in, one by one, into my hollow chest.
Tears have long run dry.
Only the sweetness of his lies remain,
Gentle lullabies that I longed to hear once more
However unjust or listless they may have been.

Wow, I love this stanza. Very powerful. As a reader, I really feel the incredible pain and bitterness.

The "in" in line three is another unnecessary preposition, especially because of the "into" that follows.

By using "longed" in the second to last line you suddenly shift to past tense, which you should avoid.

Black Rabbit wrote:...Words.
I ache for his words.
I can no longer speak, nor think, nor feel.
I wish to be cherished by him yet again.
The filth of his lies has long been washed away,
With tears that have flown from his sullen heart to my own.

Another unnecessary comma after "away."

Black Rabbit wrote:His time slips away from his hands –

This one line doesn't quite makes sense to me.

Black Rabbit wrote:He dies.
He dies, though not for me.
He dies because of me, and nothing more.
His likeness fades from recollection.
Uncertainty besieges me.
He leaves me behind.
The tepid warmth of his words lingers still.

This is a fantastic turnaround! I simply love it when a piece of writing goes full circle like this.

The comma after "me", line three, is not needed.

Black Rabbit wrote:I let him be devoured...

...The boy who cried “Wolf”.

The ending gave me chills. No kidding.

This is a great piece!
It describes something that happens often, emotions so many people can relate to, including myself; yet, it doesn't contain a single cliche.

I loved the way it flowed from stanza to stanza, the subtle changes in emotion, the variety in the verse, and especially the ending.

Fantastic.

BABANUUK

Points: 1384
Reviews: 13

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Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:51 am

Black Rabbit says...

Points: 890
Reviews: 33

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Tue Jun 30, 2009 12:57 am

Hailey_Ann wrote a review...

Wow!

I usually hate repetition in poems, but this poem is an exception. I loved this poem, it gives a completely new meaning to the original "The boy who cried wolf". I must be honest though, I passed this poem by many of times before thinking I should give it a try, and I'm happy to say, I'm glad I did!! I liked this poem a lot!

Good job!! Keep it up! Can't wait to read more from you.

~*Hailey,<3

Points: 1384
Reviews: 13

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Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:08 am

Black Rabbit says...

Points: 890
Reviews: 8

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Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:13 am

caitlin*elizabeth*rose7 wrote a review...

Wow, do I love this poem! Really, amazing job! (this is my first critique, so forgive me if I rant on)

One thing I loved was the repetition, how it would start with just one word and move on to a sentance (I hope that just made sense)

Keep it up!

*caitlin!

Points: 1384
Reviews: 13

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Tue Jun 23, 2009 9:26 am

Black Rabbit says...

Points: 33318
Reviews: 382

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Tue Jun 23, 2009 4:41 am

Galerius wrote a review...

Hi Black Rabbit,

Black Rabbit wrote:He lies.
He is made of lies.
He is made of lies, and nothing more.
He lives to tell me lies.
Lies that, through their filthy existence,
Becomes a subtle melody chiming sweetly from ear to ear
As they are being shamelessly told

People have already mentioned the useless repetition, so I'll skip to something that annoyed me.

What's so filthy about their existence? You throw at the reader half-cooked images and descriptions but never follow up; indeed, sometimes you go in the opposite direction, causing nothing but confusion. Something that's filthy in one line, subtle and sweet in the next, and shameless (a description that's supposed to be ugly) in the third is obviously nuanced and deserves to be treated that way. Don't hand out one-liners and sound bites. Go more into the complexity of their nature, preferably in this stanza.

I listen.
I always listen.
I always listen, and so he goes on with his show.
I live to hear him speak.
Speeches that, though dripping with dulcet richness,
Reek of filth, unfaithfulness and sheer doubt
As his piercing words are carelessly chosen

Again, reeking of filth is a strong image and it begs the question: how do you know this? It must be tangible in some way and the beautiful thing about poetry is that one can actually turn it into a metaphor or personification and hold true to the plot and literary ideal. Do so with the "show" that you talk about.

Also, if something is careless, "chosen" is not a good description, because that implies interest and care. Find another word.

He smiles.
He smiles proud and true.
He smiles, and he turns away.
He knows I am aware.
Aware –
Of a betrayal which carves into the crevices of my shallow being;
All naïveté lost in playful games of swindling ardour.

How can he smile proud and true if he's...lying? That makes no sense.

You repeat yourself too often. Yes, we get it. By now, you've emptied the allowed use of saying words over and over again. Don't do it for the remainder of the poem, and delete every instance of it after this line that you can find.

The rest of this is quite good, something I have not seen from one your age in a while. I am going to take a leap here and assume that you're not a master of poetry already and are still learning the techniques, because I do find many errors. I will list the most egregious one, but rest assured, the parts of your poetry that I have not addressed do deal with the problems of imagery, description, and repetition. Comb over the whole poem and apply what I have instructed in the opening stanzas to the whole piece.

Cry me a river and I shall be able to forgive.

Don't kid yourself. "Cry me a river" is cliched and has no place here, no matter what you intended. Take it out.

You reap what you sow.

Again, cliched. Cross this line out.

...The boy who cried “Wolf”.

No. Please, no. Remove this line immediately, as it undoes all of the tension and story that you have built up throughout the piece, and feels like you ended the poem on a cheesy afterthought just to relate to the title.

Overall...this was likable, and while not lovable, demonstrated that you can get your point across poetically. It stands a little above the rest of the "poetry" spewed out on this forum (recently, anyway), and for that, congratulations. Please do improve this piece, for it has potential.

Hope that helped.

Points: 15394
Reviews: 1464

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Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:33 am

Juniper wrote a review...

Hi, Black Rabbit! June here!

I really, really like this poem. It's interesting and nicely written, but I do have some [harsh] nitpicks about the repetitive scheme that dances in here.

See here:

He lies.

He is made of lies.

He is made of lies, and nothing more.

He lives to tell me lies.

Lies that, through their filthy existence,

Becomes a subtle melody chiming sweetly from ear to ear

As they are being shamelessly told

To sum this up, he's a liar.

So, I don't mind the "He -- lies" repetition so much, but the second and third lines are simply redundant, dear.

This wouldn't be an issue if the surrounding lines weren't based so heavily on this same idea (which, by the way, I love how you stay focused on one idea for a whole stanza. Brilliant.

).

As I came to the end of this stanza, I felt like you kind of lost the rhythm; at first you had a complete thought per line, and then you have complete thought per three lines.

It's not a bad thing!

I just wanted to throw that out there-- since you follow this pattern throughout the later stanzas, and bring up parallel structure.

SO! I said all of that rambling to say, that even though you achieve a good message at the end of the poem, I think it's too much reading just to get us there. It's like, playing suspenseful music for too long in the movie (you just want to grab a remote and fast forward, but you can't).

The end of this is my favorite. I love the fact that he was devoured, and no, I am not morbid at all.

I've always wanted a definite answer to what happens to him.

I truly did enjoy this poem, but like I mentioned above, I think it carries a lot of dead weight; words that are not giving us much to relate to and such.

I'm just picky, trust me.

It's a wonderful poem.

Keep writing, dear. Thanks for the great read.

June

Points: 7718
Reviews: 136

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Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:46 pm

Eraqio wrote a review...

It went on for a while and towards the middle seemed to drone a bit.

It surprised me, it continually re-engaged my interest throughout, with creative images and word usage that made me re-think how certain things sounded once you had used them.

Very intricate story playing out in a precise pattern that seems chaotic but is really headed towards a climax.

Well done, definately a star.

Exe's and Oh's,
Eraqio.

Points: 1384
Reviews: 13

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Sun Jun 21, 2009 8:56 pm

Black Rabbit says...

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Reviews: 98

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Sun Jun 21, 2009 6:08 pm

chasingcolts21 wrote a review...

Wow, I must say, this is a very creative piece! Keep working on it, and you could get it easily published.

There were ton of stylistic devices in here: repetition, parallel structure...it was amazing.

I like how you took an I'm-going-to-be-like-e.-e.-cumming-and-do-things-my-own-way style. You have your own epic style and form, I really liked that and in this poem, it really came out.

Your word choice was powerful. xD

Plus, you made great use with those italics, too. xP I find many forget we can bold and italicize.

And I agree, reeks should very much be reek. Otherwise, I didn't see any grammar errors or problems.

Good job, feel free to PM with questions or help or something to review. X_X

I see you are new, but every member must have two reviews per post (of your work). It's not that bad of a rule, Nate has told us that some sites have a rule with ten reviews per post (of your work).
-Colt

Points: 890
Reviews: 2

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Sat Jun 20, 2009 6:31 am

chixgirl5 says...

It was a realy good poem , giving a diffrent meaning and atmosphere in the words seriously it was great and all i can say is:
Go on!
Dont give up!!
And carry on!!!

Points: 1040
Reviews: 5

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Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:30 pm

Sweetyb1 wrote a review...

Great job!

I love the repetition in this! I did see one grammar mistake though, but it's just a quick edit. Your lines:

"Speeches that, though dripping with dulcet richness,
Reeks of filth, unfaithfulness and sheer doubt"

It should be Reek not Reeks

Other than that there's nothing that I can see! I loved it! It was a very creative away of using the boy who cried wolf. I can't wait to see more of your writing.

Points: 1090
Reviews: 5

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Fri Jun 19, 2009 2:10 pm

MySocksAreYellow says...

Wow.

I'm no good at reviewing, really. So I'm just going to say that this was an amazing poem and I certainly hope to see more of your work.

Really, really great job.

+Joy.

Points: 12611
Reviews: 321

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Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:16 pm

Flower~Child wrote a review...

I really like this alot. It gives a new meaning to the boy who cried wolf. The only thing I don't really get is you say that you died, and then he wants to lull you to sleep? Is that possible. Anyway I do like this and think you should write more!

-Flower-

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The Boy Who Cried Wolf

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